Well, I'm back to school again after the first holiday of the year. We had a great Christmas despite not being able to travel due to my mishap with the stairs and one of our ankle-biters (well that's my story and I'm sticking to it for now!). I ruptured my Achilles tendon at the end of October and spent 6 weeks on crutches and 4 weeks in cast.
It is fair to say I've had no luck with the progressively aging body since arriving in the UAE. It might have something to do with the Eid holiday break as well, because it seems when that holiday comes along I manage to injure myself in some way. Last year it was the prolapsed disk in my back which took many hours of physiotherapy and about 6 months to get better, and this year it is my Archilles. The planned holiday to Thailand would have to be shelved...
So the teachers at work have decided that come next Eid I will be tied down to a chair and not allowed to do anything or go anywhere. That might just work.
Whilst being incapacitated, and once again having to deal with the health authorities in this country, I started to come up with an idea for this blog. You see, in the year and a half that we have been here we have lived in something of a topsy-turvy world. Nothing in this country follows a linear path; nothing in this country makes sense; nothing in this country follows any semblance of common sense; nothing in this country is consistent; nothing in this country resembles anything like reality.
Plenty of adjectives have been used by friends to sum up living here: bizarre, crazy, nutty, unreal, weird... and when I encountered a 'surgeon' who suggested I go to another hospital and get the 'real' surgeon to have a look at my leg, and who later discharged me saying 'I don't think you will need any physiotherapy...but come back if you think you might' I decided to share with those back home the things that as we say here in Al Ain could happen 'only in the UAE'.
Here's the top 25. Thanks to Pip, Michaela and Jenny (and others) who have provided ample fodder for this list.
Only in the UAE:
25. ...do teachers wish for rain...not because they miss it, but because some schools will release their students for an early day. On the way home you will encounter cars on the side of the road because the drivers are scared of driving in this foreign weather, and have no experience of what to do when puddles appear on the road. Or, where to find their wipers. It is the ONLY time when the roads ironically, will be safe for the majority of non-speeding, non-overtaking and non-lane crossing motorists.
24. ...do you begin a school year and have no idea what time you need to turn up on the first day. You have no idea what grade levels you'll be teaching for the first week, who you'll be teaching and what your timetable is. You will receive this an hour or so before your first lesson, and this will change every day for the first two weeks of the term.
23. ...do you turn off your hot water heater in summer, so you can have cool water from the hot water tap to equal out the hot water from your cold water tap!
22. ...do you go to fill up the car with petrol and find all the cars around you being filled with their engines still running. Not only this, but behind you someone is tooting you to make way for them even though the nozzle is still in your tank! And, to top this off, those with big white SUVs drive into the petrol station, and before they've even come to a stop, they have tooted loudly to announce their arrival and to hurry up the little Filipino attendant who earns 1000AED (or 300NZ) a month!
21. ...do you notice the sign-writing on a petrol tanker which reads "Diesel Fuel." and then underneath that the words, "In Arabic". For those of you still confused...the instructions were obviously intended to tell the sign-writer to write 'diesel fuel' in Arabic. The poor soul didn't get that though and wrote it all! The same occurred for the design of a school motto. Underneath the name of the school it read, "school motto".
20. ...do you pull up to a car wash at the local petrol station and the attendant takes one look at your car and says 'No. No. Too dirty." Twice!
19. ...do you go to the big grocery shop and get given a plastic bag to hold your plastic bags and one plastic bag per item you have purchased! No effort to be eco-friendly in this country.
18. ...do you get to go to the 'black bag' shop and come away with a most prized alcoholic possession or two! The black bags are prolific in the homes of ex-pats and locals alike.
17. ...do you get turned away at the airport because you are the husband of the woman whose credit card purchased your plane ticket. The ticket was not purchased with a card bearing your name, so you cannot fly!
16. ...do you get an invitation to the local teachers' PD sessions at school. Some of the most choice ones from last year include: how to wrap a present, how to cook a meal in minutes, and my personal favourite was how to apply make-up!
15. ...do you rack up a huge credit card debt, get loans from a variety of banks, leave your rental car on the side of the road, the airport or in your apartment carport, and get a visit from an Aramex van (with a new credit card) on the day you miraculously disappear. You are otherwise known as a 'midnight runner'.
14. ...do you give directions to your home by saying something like, "Drive through Diwan roundabout, head to little brick shithouse roundabout, pass McDonalds, go towards Tawam (horse roundabout) but turn right, go past The Famous Cafe, look for the mosque on the corner, drive towards Abela, turn right and you'll find The Village".
13. ...do you get picked up from hitchhiking (while intoxicated) by a local, driven to your destination (a party at the Village), given his cap, and then offered a ride back home at 1am in the morning. All good until you find out he's actually a police officer!
12. ...do you go to a police station to report your car accident. But, you get told to go to another police station and when you finally get there the policeman says, "No you must go to (a third) police station, this is the two-car accident police station, the other is the one-car accident police station". And when you get stroppy because that sounds totally ridiculous, the policeman warns you, "If you do not behave I will send you back to the first police station and they will arrest you"!
11. ...do you head towards Atlantis on the Palm Jumeira, along a three-lane highway and find yourself plunged directly into the world's worst traffic jam. You are down to one lane, and when you finally get to the point where the lanes open up again, you realise it has all been because of the call to prayer and the mosque alongside the highway...where thousands have left their cars across two lanes and headed into the mosque for prayer time.
10. ...do you see cars parked inside the roundabout so the drivers can greet and chat with each other, or for the police to stop and have a chat with each other! Or better still, only in the UAE do you see cars parked in an empty street across the zebra crossing!
9. ...do you go on a variety of school excursions. These can range from going to a Mall, a grocery store (for those in places without malls), Hili Fun City, and one teacher even went on an excursion to Jebel Hafeet, leaving the students in the bus while the teachers spent 30 minutes at the hot spring!
8. ...do hundreds of assault rifles (M16s) arrive at the school and get transported to the military classes via lunch trolleys for their practice. At least with the girls' schools they are not loaded, but with the boys' schools they are apparently loaded...
7. ...do you drive during National Day weekend without consequence if you get a speeding ticket...usually you get a half-price discount on your speeding tickets, but during this weekend your transgressions are forgiven and your fines wiped!
6. ...do you go to a child's 5th birthday party and get given a FISH as the loot bag! Each child was given a goldfish in a plastic bag to take home. No need to tell you how excited Lily was and how lacking in excitement Jason was when he saw the bag! Now we have a fish tank and 12 fish...
5. ...do you find these signs (taken from a website about weird and wacky in Dubai):
"Bin Laden apologizes for any inconvenience"
(sign of Bin Laden Construction)
"Neuro-spinal hospital 24-hour walk-in centre"
and "Gulf Erection Company"
and "Ain Al Hospital"
4. ...do you NOT eat from THAT animal, but your name is Bin Ham?
3. ...do you find yourself repeatedly saying "Same. Same."
2. ...do you get a long list of weird and wonderful things: gold in a vending machine, a ski slope in the middle of the desert, camels in the back of trucks and in camel burgers, camel-racing, camel-crossings on the road, your hair cut in a 'saloon', no house or street addresses, antibiotics over the counter at the local chemist, a tiger in the front seat of the car, children in the front seat of the car (standing), Indian workers cooking dinner on a rusty drum, and glasses of beer served at a hotel that wear skirts to hide themselves during religious holidays.
And finally, my personal favourite:
1. ...do you get asked by your students (if you are single) "Why you not married Miss? You not have cousins?"
It is fair to say I've had no luck with the progressively aging body since arriving in the UAE. It might have something to do with the Eid holiday break as well, because it seems when that holiday comes along I manage to injure myself in some way. Last year it was the prolapsed disk in my back which took many hours of physiotherapy and about 6 months to get better, and this year it is my Archilles. The planned holiday to Thailand would have to be shelved...
So the teachers at work have decided that come next Eid I will be tied down to a chair and not allowed to do anything or go anywhere. That might just work.
Whilst being incapacitated, and once again having to deal with the health authorities in this country, I started to come up with an idea for this blog. You see, in the year and a half that we have been here we have lived in something of a topsy-turvy world. Nothing in this country follows a linear path; nothing in this country makes sense; nothing in this country follows any semblance of common sense; nothing in this country is consistent; nothing in this country resembles anything like reality.
Plenty of adjectives have been used by friends to sum up living here: bizarre, crazy, nutty, unreal, weird... and when I encountered a 'surgeon' who suggested I go to another hospital and get the 'real' surgeon to have a look at my leg, and who later discharged me saying 'I don't think you will need any physiotherapy...but come back if you think you might' I decided to share with those back home the things that as we say here in Al Ain could happen 'only in the UAE'.
Here's the top 25. Thanks to Pip, Michaela and Jenny (and others) who have provided ample fodder for this list.
Only in the UAE:
25. ...do teachers wish for rain...not because they miss it, but because some schools will release their students for an early day. On the way home you will encounter cars on the side of the road because the drivers are scared of driving in this foreign weather, and have no experience of what to do when puddles appear on the road. Or, where to find their wipers. It is the ONLY time when the roads ironically, will be safe for the majority of non-speeding, non-overtaking and non-lane crossing motorists.
24. ...do you begin a school year and have no idea what time you need to turn up on the first day. You have no idea what grade levels you'll be teaching for the first week, who you'll be teaching and what your timetable is. You will receive this an hour or so before your first lesson, and this will change every day for the first two weeks of the term.
23. ...do you turn off your hot water heater in summer, so you can have cool water from the hot water tap to equal out the hot water from your cold water tap!
22. ...do you go to fill up the car with petrol and find all the cars around you being filled with their engines still running. Not only this, but behind you someone is tooting you to make way for them even though the nozzle is still in your tank! And, to top this off, those with big white SUVs drive into the petrol station, and before they've even come to a stop, they have tooted loudly to announce their arrival and to hurry up the little Filipino attendant who earns 1000AED (or 300NZ) a month!
21. ...do you notice the sign-writing on a petrol tanker which reads "Diesel Fuel." and then underneath that the words, "In Arabic". For those of you still confused...the instructions were obviously intended to tell the sign-writer to write 'diesel fuel' in Arabic. The poor soul didn't get that though and wrote it all! The same occurred for the design of a school motto. Underneath the name of the school it read, "school motto".
20. ...do you pull up to a car wash at the local petrol station and the attendant takes one look at your car and says 'No. No. Too dirty." Twice!
19. ...do you go to the big grocery shop and get given a plastic bag to hold your plastic bags and one plastic bag per item you have purchased! No effort to be eco-friendly in this country.
18. ...do you get to go to the 'black bag' shop and come away with a most prized alcoholic possession or two! The black bags are prolific in the homes of ex-pats and locals alike.
17. ...do you get turned away at the airport because you are the husband of the woman whose credit card purchased your plane ticket. The ticket was not purchased with a card bearing your name, so you cannot fly!
16. ...do you get an invitation to the local teachers' PD sessions at school. Some of the most choice ones from last year include: how to wrap a present, how to cook a meal in minutes, and my personal favourite was how to apply make-up!
15. ...do you rack up a huge credit card debt, get loans from a variety of banks, leave your rental car on the side of the road, the airport or in your apartment carport, and get a visit from an Aramex van (with a new credit card) on the day you miraculously disappear. You are otherwise known as a 'midnight runner'.
13. ...do you get picked up from hitchhiking (while intoxicated) by a local, driven to your destination (a party at the Village), given his cap, and then offered a ride back home at 1am in the morning. All good until you find out he's actually a police officer!
12. ...do you go to a police station to report your car accident. But, you get told to go to another police station and when you finally get there the policeman says, "No you must go to (a third) police station, this is the two-car accident police station, the other is the one-car accident police station". And when you get stroppy because that sounds totally ridiculous, the policeman warns you, "If you do not behave I will send you back to the first police station and they will arrest you"!
11. ...do you head towards Atlantis on the Palm Jumeira, along a three-lane highway and find yourself plunged directly into the world's worst traffic jam. You are down to one lane, and when you finally get to the point where the lanes open up again, you realise it has all been because of the call to prayer and the mosque alongside the highway...where thousands have left their cars across two lanes and headed into the mosque for prayer time.
10. ...do you see cars parked inside the roundabout so the drivers can greet and chat with each other, or for the police to stop and have a chat with each other! Or better still, only in the UAE do you see cars parked in an empty street across the zebra crossing!
9. ...do you go on a variety of school excursions. These can range from going to a Mall, a grocery store (for those in places without malls), Hili Fun City, and one teacher even went on an excursion to Jebel Hafeet, leaving the students in the bus while the teachers spent 30 minutes at the hot spring!
8. ...do hundreds of assault rifles (M16s) arrive at the school and get transported to the military classes via lunch trolleys for their practice. At least with the girls' schools they are not loaded, but with the boys' schools they are apparently loaded...
7. ...do you drive during National Day weekend without consequence if you get a speeding ticket...usually you get a half-price discount on your speeding tickets, but during this weekend your transgressions are forgiven and your fines wiped!
6. ...do you go to a child's 5th birthday party and get given a FISH as the loot bag! Each child was given a goldfish in a plastic bag to take home. No need to tell you how excited Lily was and how lacking in excitement Jason was when he saw the bag! Now we have a fish tank and 12 fish...
5. ...do you find these signs (taken from a website about weird and wacky in Dubai):
"Bin Laden apologizes for any inconvenience"
(sign of Bin Laden Construction)
"Neuro-spinal hospital 24-hour walk-in centre"
and "Gulf Erection Company"
and "Ain Al Hospital"
4. ...do you NOT eat from THAT animal, but your name is Bin Ham?
3. ...do you find yourself repeatedly saying "Same. Same."
2. ...do you get a long list of weird and wonderful things: gold in a vending machine, a ski slope in the middle of the desert, camels in the back of trucks and in camel burgers, camel-racing, camel-crossings on the road, your hair cut in a 'saloon', no house or street addresses, antibiotics over the counter at the local chemist, a tiger in the front seat of the car, children in the front seat of the car (standing), Indian workers cooking dinner on a rusty drum, and glasses of beer served at a hotel that wear skirts to hide themselves during religious holidays.
And finally, my personal favourite:
1. ...do you get asked by your students (if you are single) "Why you not married Miss? You not have cousins?"
love it Jacqui
ReplyDeleteYou're too kind Mr Beater :)
Delete